Working for An Audience of One

I remember thinking back in August/September that if I made it to December and winter break then I would know I was ok and that I could do this.

I also remember that I never, ever once thought about quitting. Even in mid-October when it seemed like every JHU class we had was filled with people asking when this would possibly get better.

And, as it turns out, driving to the airport in Phoenix to come home to Baltimore was both the first time I thought about quitting, and the moment that I really didn’t know if I could make it to May 2010, let alone May 2011.

I’ve had two weeks back under my belt now, though. So that’s two weeks of perspective in the form of winter break, and two weeks to calm down and remember why I am here (and, at one point, loved it here).

The second hardest part about winter break (we’ll talk about the first later) was realizing/remembering what it’s like to have a life. To go to movies and just live hour to hour, without a planner. To read or cook or do whatever I wanted, just because I wanted. To have fun instead of planning in a brief moment of it. It made coming back feel even more like returning to the trenches. But it also propelled me a bit. I can’t give up my life for 2 years. I need to make some changes. Thankfully, I spent a good 30 minute gchat with Celeste (fit it in during quiet time, that says a lot about my schedule already) going over where to cut some things out, what to simplify, and how to cook/freeze chicken (the last part is just a bonus, but part of the new, bigger picture Amanda’s Taking Her Life Back plan).

Jaren and I have had about 3 dozen analytical conversations spread across the last handful of mornings since we got back. It’s how we get eachother to “power through” these first hard days. They mostly cover why are we here/how do we reconcile all we want out of life while giving just about everything we have to our current jobs. Here’s something I realized that I think makes it a little tougher to get up at 6:15 on Monday morning after 2 weeks off. I can’t take an easy Monday back. I can’t have a sucky, slow Tuesday. I can’t sneak into the bathroom every 15 minutes just to break away on a particularly hard Thursday. We’re supposed to give 100 percent 100 percent of the time. I mean, that’s what these kids deserve. And I want to give my students that. But it’s extremely daunting on a 23-degree morning when all you want is your family and friends that you desperately miss and for the sun to come out for just a second before you go into your job.

This also goes for getting sick. At most jobs it’s ok to get a sick day. We have to power through them. Everything is a catastrophe.

The cool thing about coming back is seeing that, miracle of miracles, you must have taught something well last semester because the kids remember some of it. That first Monday, my brilliant/always off the wall student reminded Trish that her name started with a T. He remembered how someone else’s name is spelled, and we haven’t even practiced spelling names in months. 15 out of 17 students can spell their names now (started the year with 3). And they can all create a rhyming word. They remember things I don’t even remember teaching them, like how to split words into sound parts (eyeball… eye… ball). Segmenting. Let’s use the teacher term (jeez).

Coming back also reminded me of how far we have to go, or at least the gap between the students that are excelling and those that need reinforcement. Name writing and number writing is a problem still, but we are practicing hardcore. Making sets too, which is disappointing because we spent two long, hard weeks on that before break.

Another good gauge of how far you are/how far you have to go is talking to other teachers. Thankfully, I have an immediate bank of these thanks to TFA. We had our first CLT meeting this week, and while we spent most of it making literacy center activities, everyone also spent a lot of time playing the “How far are you in English/Math/Social Studies” game. My conclusion – we need to learn more sight words.

I feel like part of the problem has been feeling like I’m living two lives, or like I can’t have a balance. I’ve been thinking about this blog for about a week and a half, for instance. And since it’s supposed to be about me teaching, I of course wrote down a million things that have happened in the classroom to write about. But now there’s this little selfish person inside me that’s yelling to stop ignoring what’s going on in my life outside my classroom. It seemed uncomfortable to spend this whole entry just talking about school when I’ve had a lot of big things happening outside of it (hence this back and forth, half school version that came out). It’s especially difficult when these other things are weighing on my mind… like the aforementioned FIRST hardest part about winter break…

I came back from break doubting a lot of the friendships I had back home, which is especially tough when I spent the last two weeks before break mentally psyching myself up to see my friends. I had all these visions of telling everyone what I was doing, making them laugh about how one little girl couldn’t spell her name but desperately wanted to so she spewed out a random stream of letters instead. I imagined finally seeing my friends, people I’ve known for nearly a decade, finally being really proud of me. Needless to say, I’ve grown up amongst a group of geniuses who can spout out math and science formulas like I can spout out the lyrics to Interventions and Lullabies, people who are on their way to grad school or are already finished with their masters. This would finally be my contribution to our friendly hall of fame. I didn’t really get to do that.

Instead, I came back feeling like a one woman wrecking ball. I managed to piss off nearly everyone, pretty much by accident, mostly because I don’t know how to appropriately tell people that my feelings are hurt.

So, it’s hard coming back to a life you’re proud of but that no one knows about, and leaving a group of people you’ve spent hours bragging about and now realize didn’t really notice you were gone. I guess that’s the whole thing about moving. I moved here to close one gap in my heart (being apart from my best friend and soul mate, Jaren) and in turn ripped a bunch of new ones in its place. This time I don’t know how to fix it though.

So, that was the emo elephant in my room (head) that needed to get written. Now, I’m gonna put a wee bandaid on and focus on the big things coming up: lessons on more versus less, my birthday, learning about numbers 11 to 20, Celeste’s bridal shower (people are going to judge my party planning/maid of honor abilities), my birthday, Spring Break, but before then, my birthday.

Speaking of soulmates, Jaren has decided to “give you New York” for this birthday of mine. I guess this is what it feels like when the master plan finally plays out… a little proud, a lot heartbroken, a little fate and a lot of accepting change while looking forward to the new. The new YORK that is.